"Practice it with me: N.O. No. N-ooo. #No." That was my husband to me, over a decade ago. I was doing what I always did - indeed, what I was raised to do - saying "yes" and helping anyone who asked. We had moved to a smaller city and I was plugging in to a local church. Within a month, I was plugged in to the point that I was sapped of energy and out of time for my own husband.
I cannot tell you how difficult this lesson was to learn and how much I sobbed thinking I was going to be left out of all the great moves of God in the church and people's lives...and so on.
But he was right. I needed to learn to say "No" to the tasks that were distracting me from the important ones God gave, whatever those were. In every season of my life, these tasks have been different, but it is imperative to know which ones are God-given and which ones are not.
This holds true not just in my personal life, but also in business. There are many articles from various sources encouraging women to refuse to volunteer or be "volunteered" for what is called "office housework": the thankless, don't-do-anthing-for-a-career tasks that no one wants to do.
For problem-solving women like myself, this often masks itself as a challenge to juggle several project/deadlines at once - perhaps to prove I can do it. Or maybe because I just like to problem-solve!
For many women, the pressure to be seen as a helpful, team-player can push us to take on too many #mundane_tasks, leaving less time for the ones that get us promoted. Not everything is about promotion (sometimes it IS about being a team), of course, but women more often get stuck in this place than men - probably because refusing a request is seen as a "strike" against us and not as much of one against a man. (See research and sources below for some good articles on this.)
So we need to do it well:
To soften the blow of a flat-out rejection, Lise Vesterlund (economics professor and one of the researchers behind the non-promotable task study referenced below) said that employees should meet in a private setting with their boss about the office housework request to avoid publicly challenging your boss.
Once an employee get her boss in a room alone, the employee can then push back on an office housework request by reminding the boss that she is seeking new challenges. Employees can say, “Many of my tasks have become routine. Can I get tasks that demand more where I can show my skills more?” Vesterlund advises. The request tactfully nudges the boss to remember to be a good boss, because fair managers want to help their reports develop and grow.
“It’s not just a question of saying no, no, no. It’s saying no to things so that you can do the things that you really care about,” she said.
Question: How do you refuse a request gracefully? Answer: You prepare for it.
We know it's going to happen, so #grace prepares for it. To help out, I've compiled a handy list of ways to gracefully refuse pretty much anyone, anything.
And, if you're one of those who has trouble saying what you mean, keep in mind the Bible clearly supports this:
“And don’t say anything you don’t mean. This counsel is embedded deep in our traditions. You only make things worse when you lay down a smoke screen of pious talk, saying, ‘I’ll pray for you,’ and never doing it, or saying, ‘God be with you,’ and not meaning it. You don’t make your words true by embellishing them with religious lace. In making your speech sound more religious, it becomes less true. Just say ‘yes’ and ‘no.’ When you manipulate words to get your own way, you go wrong."
- Matthew 5:33-37 (Message)
#Grace is faithful to the tasks God gives and the calls God directs.
-----
Research from the Center of WorkLife Law at the University of California: https://hbr.org/2018/03/for-women-and-minorities-to-get-ahead-managers-must-assign-work-fairly
Good podcast from Women at Work (HBR): https://hbr.org/podcast/2018/09/lets-do-less-dead-end-work
From Forbes: https://www.forbes.com/sites/tanyatarr/2018/04/18/why-saying-no-to-thankless-tasks-closes-gender-gap/
From Fortune: http://fortune.com/2016/07/12/career-advice-women/
49 Ways to Say "No" to Anyone (disclaimer: I don't agree with all of these): https://www.careerfaqs.com.au/news/news-and-views/how-to-say-no-to-anyone