I remember the panic rising as I held a can of green beans in my hand...
I didn't know where I was, other than in a grocery store - which was obvious from the rows of canned goods, but I didn't know which one. I didn't remember how I got there and I didn't know if I was alone or shopping with my new husband. Everything was fuzzy. It was like I woke up from a trance and found myself in that yellow-lit aisle holding a can of green beans. This was all of about fifteen seconds but it felt longer. I felt the #panic_attack.
But the Holy Spirit prompted me with a truth I had long ago buried deep in my heart:
"The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of peace, love, and a sound mind."
Immediately the panic dropped by half. I kept repeating this #truth in my head. I walked to the end of the aisle, toward the meat department and looked to see if someone like my husband was nearby, still not sure if I had come there alone or with someone. No one. I walked to the other end, toward the checkout lines. No one. I kept repeating the truth. I walked toward the left side of the store, looking down the aisles for someone I might recognize. I was beating back rising panic with the truth:
"The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of peace, love, and a sound mind."
Then I saw my husband, reading the back label ingredients on something. Flooded with relief, I walked quickly toward him. I wanted to burst into tears and hug him, but I also felt ashamed for the strange episode. I still felt "fuzzy" and my eyes couldn't take everything in - like when a migraine finally passes.
And it wasn't the first time. I had a similar episode while driving somewhere in Palmetto, Georgia on a road with no markings (typical of GA back roads!). I had no idea where I was going, where I had been...I only remember "waking up" as if from a trance. I continued driving until I finally recognized the way to a friend's house (which may have been where I was headed in the first place - who knows?). I must have looked a fright because she and her husband immediately sat me down with a cup of tea. It took the better part of an hour for my eyes and brain to "catch up" with my body.
My new husband (we'd been married less than a year) realized that something was wrong while observing these episodes and other symptoms. I had been living alone so no one had been able to tell me "this is not normal". The people at my job didn't seem to notice - or maybe they did but didn't know to tell me properly.
After a battery of tests and an awesome PA that wouldn't give up, we found that I had #Pernicious_Anemia. It's a genetic #B_12 deficiency that cannot be cured with food or supplements. It not only causes dementia-like symptoms but if left untreated, will eventually kill. My levels had likely been quite a bit below normal for a long time and it took a permanent toll on my brain.
Before we knew it was health-related, the symptoms of extreme fatigue, extreme forgetfulness, and other symptoms put a severe strain on my new marriage and really every area of my life.
(Note: Many women are B-12 deficient because stressful events deplete B-12. And women are #stressed. If a doctor tests your B-12 and it's within the "normal" range but towards the bottom of the range, one stressful event may deplete it below the normal range in any given day. So, take good supplements or eat B-12 rich food, or both.)
My point in all this is that 1) we all have weaknesses and 2) the only way to prepare for them is to hide God's word in our heart. Not just memorize verses, which commits it to short-term memory, but to #ABSORB it so that it changes our DNA and becomes a part of us. That way when the pressure is on and panic rises, the truth rises faster.
Memorizing is hard for some people, but absorbing a scripture is something anyone can do during any task, at any job, and any season of life. Think on the words. Let them #steep. #Meditate on them. Sip them like good wine (or tea). Roll them around in your mouth until you fully take them in.
#Grace faces weakness with the truth of God's Word.
A reminder I needed today...