How many of you have attempted to help someone leave whatever ditch of a life they were in, only to have them willingly slide back? Frustrating isn't it?!
In my experiences with women (and a few men) who struggle with change—ranging from struggles with addictions to leaving an abusive spouse to children who simply won't mature (or be allowed to)—too few are successful. It's heartbreaking.
The consistent denominator in all these people's lives (including my own when I struggle to change), is the inability to see, understand, and embrace the next step. Regardless of what that next step is, we too often lack the ability to see or visualize it. So we rarely understand it and still more rarely embrace it.
For my children, getting them to change a habit or try something new/scary requires that I clearly share what that next step looks like. The times when I have failed to do this, my children have balked HARD. They immediately revert to whatever is comfortable and familiar.
For women who start out on a fight to leave their addictions, the moment the next step—perhaps detox or a program or after-program steps like where to live/work/build a community—is fuzzy and nebulous, they (almost always) return to what is familiar. Usually it's an ex-boyfriend or community that includes an almost immediate return to their addictions.
The science behind this is pretty simple: in children and addicts, the amygdala and other lower regions are more developed while the higher regions or "reasoning" regions are undeveloped or in the case of addicts, damaged.
But what about me? I'm not an addict to anything that I'm aware of. Nothing faulty with my reasoning powers (unless you talk with my West-coast relatives who think I'm nuts for being a conservative and a Christian). What about you?
Why do we return to the familiar instead of stepping through to change? Why do we hold on to what is known rather than grasp what is new?
I believe the answer lies in the renewing of our minds. No matter how long we've been serving Christ, it may still retain what ought to be shed. The good news is that it can always be shed! Our minds can be transformed. In fact, we are called to do so!
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect."—Romans 12:2
The word "renewal" here is key. There are other versions of Greek words that we would translate "renewal" or something similar, but this one is only used twice in the Bible. It's used in Romans 12:2 and Titus 3:5 where Paul says “[God] saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit.”
This kind of renewal only comes from the Holy Spirit. It is the Holy Spirit's work to renew our minds, transforming us. We cannot do it without Him. We partner with Him by surrendering to the work of the Holy Spirit and by feeding ourselves with the Bible and church community, but it is both initiated and completed by the Holy Spirit from beginning to end. He is the Alpha and Omega, the Author and Finisher of our transformation.
The Holy Spirit renews our mind, transforming us into Christ. It is He who exchanges our stone-hearts and gives us tender ones; exchanges corrupted minds (and bodies) for pure ones.
So, what is the next step? How do we surrender to the Holy Spirit to wholly have us and transform us? Pursuit of His presence. That's it: His presence is the vital transformational element.
Grace comes when He comes. When grace comes, He gives us the vision of the next step.
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